Broken

As I sit here looking at my life I see all the beauty I have around me. I have a wonderful family, a home  that we have lived in for 10 years now. A church that we have been attending for around 6-7 years. Everything is the same. We have not moved, we have not changed churches. The kids go to the same school and we pretty much shop at the same spot. We have a tradition that we go to Silver dollar city every year in which the kids really enjoy that. I love watching my babies grow up. Each one of them is growing into there own person with there own personalities. I would not trade my family for the world. However I have come to the realization that I am broken. WHAT?!? You say broken? But Holly look at what you have. Things have changed. In the past 1-2 years we have recently brought some of my husbands family to the area. We opened our home to them. And in the end we have been just taken advantage of. I know that this happens to a lot of people but for some reason I just can not shake it. Its not so much that we let them live in our home it is the fact that everything that we have set up in our life they are apart of. The area, the church, the activities, the school. Everything. Everything that we have built I feel they have taken. What we do as a farm they want to do. Every time there is something new for us and we want to share it, there is no reason to. They will do it for us. So we have nothing to look forward to. Everything that was good is not gone. And it lives in someone elses hands from now on. This life is not ours no more. My husband and I  both worked in the area as a truck driver, and we decided to make this area our home. And we have lived here for 10 years. I used to be so proud of everything but everything that we have established has been taken and just crushed. Everything that was good is now bad. When I brought certain people into my home I wanted to because I wanted to help. Even though they are not living here. I can not get rid of them because they will not go start there own life. Yes they finally got a house. But what there goals are, are the same things ours is. How sad does it have to be to do everything that someone else has set up. Knowing that they did not start over they took someone else life. There are so many things I want to say to a few of them. But what would that do? Of course I would feel better. But in reality they will know the truth but will it do something. We all make mistakes. Some would be loosing someone or something dear to you. Some would be loosing a marriage because either one of them were stupid and they did not take care of each other. And end the end, one could not take it but in reality it was both of there fault. Some would not being able to  hold a job for too long because of there mouth. We all have mistakes and faults. But this has made me become bitter and angry and just mad. I have come to the realization that I am just someone that cannot be loved. Cannot be accepted as a person or a friend. I feel I am the number 1 hated person. I go to church and I feel like I do not belong. I used to. Until certain people came and decided that there is no room for 2. Yet can say oh yes, yes there can but actions show different. I have loved and lost. I have seen hate and lived in abuse. I have lived with family that never wanted me because of my families faults so therefore they cannot accept me or my family. I was asked to choose from my moms side or my dads side. And when I told them I would not then most of them disowned me. I never knew my mom or my moms side and when I did they hated me because of my dad. My dad does not even know me or my family. And my dads side of the family is friends with me on facebook and they do not have nothing to do with me. I was born premature and I was not expected to live and I did. I thought I was a miracle.  There are no attempts to see each other or meet or nothing. I have fake friends that when they are around other people they act like they do not know me. I have failed a marriage because I was not good enough. I was beat and abused and he left me for someone else. I have so many people leaving me in my life. It is a wonder that Greg has not left. He stays, he loves me. He loves our family and I am so blessed to have him in my life. He is a good man. Recently when I meet people I curl on in my own little mind ball and just say, they wont like me. I am nothing. When I do go somewhere with someone I am quiet because all I think of is, I am nothing. This wont last long and they will leave me. But they do not know what I have been through. The beating I have had growing up. The emotional abuse. I want to believe that God loves me and does not make mistakes. Or did he with me. I have had so many people do bad things to me. I used to feel God walk with me but now I do not and I wonder if he has left me as well. How could he love someone like me. Obviously I am unlovable.  I have thought of changing everything in our life and giving it all to the people who took it. I mean we have started from scratch we can do it again. It is just so hard to do. I feel so lost. So alone. So broken.