Broken

As I sit here looking at my life I see all the beauty I have around me. I have a wonderful family, a home  that we have lived in for 10 years now. A church that we have been attending for around 6-7 years. Everything is the same. We have not moved, we have not changed churches. The kids go to the same school and we pretty much shop at the same spot. We have a tradition that we go to Silver dollar city every year in which the kids really enjoy that. I love watching my babies grow up. Each one of them is growing into there own person with there own personalities. I would not trade my family for the world. However I have come to the realization that I am broken. WHAT?!? You say broken? But Holly look at what you have. Things have changed. In the past 1-2 years we have recently brought some of my husbands family to the area. We opened our home to them. And in the end we have been just taken advantage of. I know that this happens to a lot of people but for some reason I just can not shake it. Its not so much that we let them live in our home it is the fact that everything that we have set up in our life they are apart of. The area, the church, the activities, the school. Everything. Everything that we have built I feel they have taken. What we do as a farm they want to do. Every time there is something new for us and we want to share it, there is no reason to. They will do it for us. So we have nothing to look forward to. Everything that was good is not gone. And it lives in someone elses hands from now on. This life is not ours no more. My husband and I  both worked in the area as a truck driver, and we decided to make this area our home. And we have lived here for 10 years. I used to be so proud of everything but everything that we have established has been taken and just crushed. Everything that was good is now bad. When I brought certain people into my home I wanted to because I wanted to help. Even though they are not living here. I can not get rid of them because they will not go start there own life. Yes they finally got a house. But what there goals are, are the same things ours is. How sad does it have to be to do everything that someone else has set up. Knowing that they did not start over they took someone else life. There are so many things I want to say to a few of them. But what would that do? Of course I would feel better. But in reality they will know the truth but will it do something. We all make mistakes. Some would be loosing someone or something dear to you. Some would be loosing a marriage because either one of them were stupid and they did not take care of each other. And end the end, one could not take it but in reality it was both of there fault. Some would not being able to  hold a job for too long because of there mouth. We all have mistakes and faults. But this has made me become bitter and angry and just mad. I have come to the realization that I am just someone that cannot be loved. Cannot be accepted as a person or a friend. I feel I am the number 1 hated person. I go to church and I feel like I do not belong. I used to. Until certain people came and decided that there is no room for 2. Yet can say oh yes, yes there can but actions show different. I have loved and lost. I have seen hate and lived in abuse. I have lived with family that never wanted me because of my families faults so therefore they cannot accept me or my family. I was asked to choose from my moms side or my dads side. And when I told them I would not then most of them disowned me. I never knew my mom or my moms side and when I did they hated me because of my dad. My dad does not even know me or my family. And my dads side of the family is friends with me on facebook and they do not have nothing to do with me. I was born premature and I was not expected to live and I did. I thought I was a miracle.  There are no attempts to see each other or meet or nothing. I have fake friends that when they are around other people they act like they do not know me. I have failed a marriage because I was not good enough. I was beat and abused and he left me for someone else. I have so many people leaving me in my life. It is a wonder that Greg has not left. He stays, he loves me. He loves our family and I am so blessed to have him in my life. He is a good man. Recently when I meet people I curl on in my own little mind ball and just say, they wont like me. I am nothing. When I do go somewhere with someone I am quiet because all I think of is, I am nothing. This wont last long and they will leave me. But they do not know what I have been through. The beating I have had growing up. The emotional abuse. I want to believe that God loves me and does not make mistakes. Or did he with me. I have had so many people do bad things to me. I used to feel God walk with me but now I do not and I wonder if he has left me as well. How could he love someone like me. Obviously I am unlovable.  I have thought of changing everything in our life and giving it all to the people who took it. I mean we have started from scratch we can do it again. It is just so hard to do. I feel so lost. So alone. So broken.

New Years Resolution

Ok, so earlier I was talking about some New Year Resolutions. And I keep thinking of things I can do...BEING A BETTER MOMMY----I want to make sure that I put more time for my kids. I  know a lot of you are thinking, time? I am home 24/7 with them. Yes. But they are only little for a little while. Hunter is already 5 and going to school this year. Time has passed so fast. I want to play with them more, learn new activities. Be more active with them. Listen to them more. Read to them more. Understand them more. More is never enough. I want to make sure that I am there for them as much as I can be. Cadence is my big little princess. I think she really needs a sister and hope that we can give that to her someday. She is really looking foward to it. And man is she smart. Thought I think all of my kids are. Logan is growing. He is a very active little boy but he is shy with people he does not know. When his nana and papaw come over it takes a while for him to open up to them. Though I dont think he has fully opened up to them. In time i believe he will though. I love my kids so much and I could never imagine my life without them. We do want to have another one but have also talked about if we were unable to have another one then to adopt one. Just talking about it though. There are so many kids out there here in the  us that do not have a home. That need a loving home. My kids are my world. And Greg, man  he has been such a amazing daddy. I never knew how much that love of a father was till I see him with our children. Its so amazing how much someone could love someone. I am so lucky to have him part of my life. I cant believe I married the most wonderful man ever. I want to be a better wife for him. I know I am good wife now. I want to make sure I make him happy. He is my one true love. And I am looking foward to spending the rest of my life with him.
MY FAITH-----Really I do not know where to start on this. I have a amazing church group. The love that is in the house of God. Is truely amazing. I know that sometimes I struggle with following him. I think it is cause I am scared. Seems like every time we start going to church, bad things happen. And i know its the devil. But gosh, enough is enough. There has been things that has tested my faith. But if it was not for the Lord, I would have nothing, be nothing. Faith can move mountains. And God will NEVER put to  much on me that I cant handle. On December 26th 2010 I was baptised. I am going to make sure I do my best to walk with him to follow him. To put him first in my life. I want to trust  him more. Because I am his child.  I am going to try to make sure that I do his will. And live like it. I know that everyone makes mistakes. Everyone sins. i am going to try my best to be the best. I dont want to judge people, or hate people, Its time to live the way that I should. The way my family should. Though I know it will be tough and i know that there will be times that I fail. But I have a great support group. And that is a amazing feeling...
GET HEALTHIER AKA LOOSE WEIGHT----Ok, I struggle with this one. On so many levels. I want to loose weight. I want to be more healthier. But it so so hard. lol. I was going to the Y and doing kickboxing. In which I really did enjoy it. But right now till hopefully next month I have 1 vehicle. So it has been hard for me to continue that. I really wish I could do more. I wish that there was more people I can work out with. It is so hard to try to loose weight and not have the support on it. Or the know how. I love food. Dont get me wrong. Who doesn't. But I really wish I could have someone pushing me. Or if I had more stuff to do than just staying at home with the kids on a daily basis. lol. When they eat I want to eat, cause it is there. Not that I want my kids to hurry up and grow up. I dont. I just need to become more involved in stuff so it keeps up going. Instead of staying here at home. Every day. Sometimes it gets to me. Staying here every day, all day.. Day in and day out. I really dont like it. Though I feel safe here. I want to be able to go and involve myself. I really hope Greg gets his truck fixed next month. I am so scared that we are going to put a lot of money in it like we did about 4 months ago and then it start on fire and break..again... We have only had 1 vehicle that is working. And been without the other one for almost 2 yrs...lol. I cant do it too much longer. So like I said as far as weight. If any one  has any ideas please let me know I am more than open on suggestions. I have thought about going walking out here but I am scared to do that by myself. There are dogs around here I dont trust. And it is kind of hard to carry a gun while i am trying to walk and run..lol. (I could see that now.lol) I want to loose weight for me and my family. I want to do this. Its just so hard. I really hope I can do it this  year. I really hate every years saying i want to loose weight but then it does not happen. lol. So hopefully I can get some help and do it this year. I have faith. I can do all things through him who gives me streangth Philippians 4:13.......

Beginning of the New Year...

The beginning of the New Year is filled with surprises. I have so many New years resolutions. From being a better mommy, loosing weight, making more money, fixing our place up, guitar lessons, oh and one more, have another baby...Yes Greg and I want another one. And hopefully this  year we will have one. And the thing is, is this is our decision. Mine and Greg's. Funny how people can tell you how to run your life. But what is even funnier, is knowing that you don't have to listen to it. See I have always wanted a big family. And when Greg and I got together and made Hunter, we knew we wanted a big family. Like 10. Now take for granted my biological clock is ticking and that is not going to happen..lol.. You see, I did not come from a big family. i came from a single dad who tried to do the best he could just being him...I so much wanted a brother or sister or mom. We had no family growing up. And sometimes it was even tough with just him. There has been times, i sit and wonder how come I am not good enough for the family of my dads to want to be a part of my life. Even growing up I felt so alone...And sometimes I was. I vow to be a good mom. And being alone most of my life. I wanted a big family. And I wanted Greg's family to be a part of our lives and our kids. Now we know that there are some people in a family that just do not care. A lot of them have them.  I have watched so many birthdays go by for my kids and most could not pick up the phone and call and tell them Happy Birthday. Kind of sad really. Cause they have no idea what they are missing. Funny how people can be called family. I have learned that family is not always blood. Growing up having a best friend as family. Church family as family. If it was not for them, i dont know where i would be. Now I know there is only so much I can do. But I vow to protect my kids. From Harm. From Hurting. And I know hurting is part of life, and it makes you strong. Look at me. My kids are great kids. And if no one wants to be a part of there life. They are missing out on a lot. No one could replace them. Now, as far as Greg & I. Sometimes it seems like we are not living our own life. Its like we try to do something but it is never good enough for certain people. Our home, we made from scratch. From our hands. There was a lot of love put into this house. Now there are times that I want to move. Because I wish so much that we can have a few things to make our life easier. Like a tractor. Man that would make things so much easier. Now living out here, Greg & I have learned what we need. And it kind of irritates me when someone tells me we need something else. Its like telling us that we dont know what we are talking about. Which seems to be that we do not know what we are talking about a lot. But yet we have lived it. Just like a tractor. We have used different tractors out here, and we have come to learn what will work and what will not.  Now I do appreciate the opinions. And that is fine. But sometimes I feel like that we have no choice. Like our decisions for this house is not good enough. We ARE standing on our own two feet. And we are doing good. See Greg & I do not do credit cards. We believe that if you do not have the cash, you dont need it. Credit cards get you in trouble. So we are doing this without cards. And to me,,thats pretty darn good. We want to do this on our own. But when someone offers to help pay for something. It kind of makes us feel worthless. Because we want to do this. Also I dont want to hear that we cant make it because someone paid for it. We just want to do it. Now this year our goal is to put up our pasture fence and get some animals. Now Greg & I and a good friend have been working out here on the property from cutting wood for the wood burner. To the driveway. To the side of the hill. It is a lot of work. And sometimes  you cannot see the change until later on.  But we plan on putting our fence up this march or so. But it is going to give us so much happiness to do it on our own. I can not wait till it is done. This has been a dream of ours. Is to have a fence up. And is it going to happen? I really hope so. Living out here has been so tough.Very different than what I expected. You see, our heat for the house, is a wood burning stove. Why...Because the propane company will not come out our driveway cause it is to steep. lol. At first they did. But they will not no more. So we get up about 2-3 times a night and put wood in the stove for heat. Its ok. Saves on the electric bill. But sometimes I do get tired of doing it. lol. But thankfully my honjee has been helping me on it.  I have been really blessed to have such a great husband and kids. I could not emagine my  life without them. I feel this year is going to be a good year. Going to try not to be as stressed. And put my faith in God. We have been blessed with a church that is amazing. The people in it are so loving. Its  hard, because its been a long time since we have felt that loved.  We have made some good friends. And have been put to the test as well. On December 26, 2010. I Holly, was washed clean of all my sins. If you do not know what that means, is I was baptised. It felt good. I was so scared at first..But when i got up there, all the fear went away. It was kind of nice, really. Now I am going to end this for now. But will continue later. I really hope everyone looks at the New Year as a blessing, as a beginning. Everyone deserves to be happy. And have a chance of there own happiness. You only live once, so live to the fullest. Dont let someone else live your life for you. Take that chance. Have that big family. Make that dream come true. Only you can decide if you want to be happy. Only you can make that come true. Pray about it. And let God guide you...It may not always be easy but it will be nice to have that support from a loving God.